I cannot serve two masters! Ah but somehow I have been trying to get away with that. That is what is creating the obstacle at this point. I cannot continue; and how am I actually doing this. It seems hazy to me and I want to penetrate this confusion with honesty and courage.
I started feeling split today when I started out to get a new shower curtain. Do I need it? Well the one that is hanging in the bathroom is actually disturbing to look at with all it's stripes. I wanted to be present and I could feel an excitement about going to a store and shopping for it. Shopping, isn't that another fix like drinking a glass of red wine, eating popcorn or wheat or sugar and smoking a cigarette. I don't want to eliminate the coffee in the morning yet, but yes that too.
What is it that is going on that serves the world here. Is it to do with somehow manipulating the experience I want to have, instead of feeling the way experience is presenting itself in the moment. Would that shower curtain look just fine to me after I feel the feeling that arose when I looked at it and projected preference onto it? I want to get this, because everything my heart wants depends on my shifting into the direction of true service.
I was perhaps creating an experience that would satisfy my preference for beauty and harmony in my environment as I judged the shower curtain. I notice it's so 'fun' to get something new. There is the possibility of getting some experience of taste, color, texture, and bodily sensation that brings the promise of an enhanced state, bliss perhaps.
Yes, the attachment to bliss, is what draws me away from what is appearing in the moment. I desire....... there is that hook that gets things going, that hangs out in opposition to every moment. It is a desire for this 'fix' to please the eyes of the mental, not the heart of the spirit. Think about it, do the spirit beings have any preference for stripes or solid colors? They just want me to use every experience as an opportunity to pass through the shadow into the light of possibility that is waiting for me
The serving of Truth is the master I choose. I have been practicing by not talking at all about myself with others. I can feel the movement of self interest, as it arises, to share about 'me'; but then I just sit back and listen to them. Can I be love here in each moment instead of a separate entity grasping for equal attention and fixes from the experiences that feel a bit hard to be with. Can I begin to allow the stripes to be included in my day and not have to react to them and get rid of them. If I can practice accepting them, then I can practice accepting those things I judge about myself and others as not being lovely to look at. Then who knows the whole way of being in each situation can be OK and the deeper level, the heart can flourish with it's expression of loving presence!