Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Leave the attachment to the form!  Let go of what secures the insecure!  Dance, and then dance again in the free open clarity of Samantabadra.  There isnothing, no place, no tradition, that owns this realization.  You are the lineage holder and you are the one to radiate it from this moment onward.  Doubt has been vanquished, Fear of not being enough, having enough, knowing enough is burned up in the belly of disbelief.  Time opens the valve of freedom.  This is your time, your place, your truth has arisen.  There is nothing to accomplish beyond this liberation.  Hold fast to this timeless awareness!
Today I feel insecure and crest fallen!  My story is t’hat people aren’t flocking to here the teachings that that must mean I am not doing this well for Tara.  I seem to always be not enough for my agenda and my pictures of bringing Tara forth.’

How to stay here in this moment and not feed the loop of not enoughness.  Practice brings me into the depth of these feelings.  Experiences of being not well continue to plague my days and weeks.  I am suffering in this moment so how to liberate?

Bring your attention to ordinary presence and out of the projection of self and others.  Place your awareness inside you heart with compassion, gently allowing this mood to arise as it is with out any why or because or story involving attachment to a self.

You are not this experience and yet it is asking to be received, allowed graciously.  It is a misrepresented presentation that asks for attention.  That is all.  Nothing more.  Do not weave any story around it  There is no because to create.  Here beyond duality the luminescence shines purely and continuously!

And now you are one with Tara!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Choosing Balance

"How and where will next months rent come from?" I sit silent inside this question. This point, this moment, is all that I have. I am called back as I recognize this scenario this worry loop. 

Next months rent is a mind loop that appears when the thought of future and what the future holds arises.  I do sometimes have this fleeting anxiety arise, a fast beating panic experience right in the center of my chest. So this thought/question could lead to suffering if I were to play with it at all. The only answer that I can give the questioner is "I do not know", in fact I do not know anything beyond this point. I do not know what this afternoon is bringing. Each moment is so fresh and new.

This loopy thought habit, of next months rent, is like a phantom visiting me. Oh, it has visited me before in the past; but if hasn't much of a punch any more. I am remember the years of anxiety around paying mortgages, rents, earning enough money, spending too much money, and on and on.

I do not need to visit that realm any more though, I remind myself. This Moment is the house, the home I take refuge in. This is the refuge, just being here, now, with the experiences that are arising. There is no need to play with any future or story of rent; and it is even futile to do so. I call myself back to this point of fullness. I return my attention to awareness, in this moment, where every thing possible has been fulfilled for my body, my physical existence. Gratitude arises, as I drop into this palace of comfort and leisure to be here fully. A Moment of silence and spaciousness is here. Time to be inside the house of the moment!

Somewhere the rent got paid for this day. Somehow everything came together to build this home and some where the wood came into being from the trees for this furniture. Somewhere the fabrics arose in different parts of the world and put themselves together to clothe the wood frames and pillows. Somewhere chickens laid the eggs I ate for breakfast. Somehow the electricity got discovered for this moment and the water was found deep inside the earth for my shower. How could I become anxious when I see it is all a miracle dependent on so many actions and beings and plants and the beautiful Mother Earth herself, that I am even here today. I look in the mirror and see my mother's face looking back at me. How did all this come together for this moment to arise so magically.

I am in awe at the causes and conditions that have worked together to provide the splendor of this experience. The thought of this months rent is like a speck of dust now inside this view of abundance and care that has formed this moment in time and space. I bow down to the appearances of generosity and compassion that 

Give me this day my daily bread.......

"How and where will next months rent come from?" I sit silent inside this question. This point, this moment, is all that I have. I am called back as I recognize this scenario this worry loop. 

Next months rent is a mind loop that appears when the thought of future and what the future holds arises.  I do sometimes have this fleeting anxiety arise, a fast beating panic experience right in the center of my chest. So this thought/question could lead to suffering if I were to play with it at all. The only answer that I can give the questioner is "I do not know", in fact I do not know anything beyond this point. I do not know what this afternoon is bringing. Each moment is so fresh and new.

This loopy thought habit, of next months rent, is like a phantom visiting me. Oh, it has visited me before in the past; but if hasn't much of a punch any more. I am remember the years of anxiety around paying mortgages, rents, earning enough money, spending too much money, and on and on.

I do not need to visit that realm any more though, I remind myself. This Moment is the house, the home I take refuge in. This is the refuge, just being here, now, with the experiences that are arising. There is no need to play with any future or story of rent; and it is even futile to do so. I call myself back to this point of fullness. I return my attention to awareness, in this moment, where every thing possible has been fulfilled for my body, my physical existence. Gratitude arises, as I drop into this palace of comfort and leisure to be here fully. A Moment of silence and spaciousness is here. Time to be inside the house of the moment!

Somewhere the rent got paid for this day. Somehow everything came together to build this home and some where the wood came into being from the trees for this furniture. Somewhere the fabrics arose in different parts of the world and put themselves together to clothe the wood frames and pillows. Somewhere chickens laid the eggs I ate for breakfast. Somehow the electricity got discovered for this moment and the water was found deep inside the earth for my shower. How could I become anxious when I see it is all a miracle dependent on so many actions and beings and plants and the beautiful Mother Earth herself, that I am even here today. I look in the mirror and see my mother's face looking back at me. How did all this come together for this moment to arise so magically.

I am in awe at the causes and conditions that have worked together to provide the splendor of this experience. The thought of this months rent is like a speck of dust now inside this view of abundance and care that has formed this moment in time and space. I bow down to the appearances of generosity and compassion that 

Monday, March 21, 2011

Waking from the dream

So what ever we project onto situations with judgement is our karmic view.  We bring the past into the present, over and over again, with the same vibration of fear and judgement, and relive it until we don't.  That is waking up from the dream.  When we see that we are reacting to our mind and repeatedly creating the same feelings of fear, anger, sadness, jealousy....whatever; then we can begin to handle them with wisdom and compassion........  And as soon as the situation is seen through, with this view of wisdom, the story will unravel; and balance will be restored.

You could say this is the compassionate activity of an awakened mind towards ourselves and others.  Of course, every thing that is needed in the physical is attended to.  But the attendance is done with out all that story of blame and anger, the poisons of the mind.  The field is filled with peace instead of fretting and worrying and all the stories that we hook onto our experiences.

Karmic tendencies are  experiences overlaid with a view of separation, subject/object.  Once we started to see others as separate from ourselves, we started to blame them.  This is the disease of the dualistic mind.  Nothing can ever be accomplished until this is handled at the root.  Cutting the root is the wisdom activity that clarity accomplishes.  The human mind is habituated to seeing with this lens of duality; so it is quite a remarkable shift to see with a wisdom mind.  Some would call it Buddha consciousness others would call it Christ consciousness; but it can be my consciousness too.  This consciousness is our true mind.  We just have to remove these veils that have formed such a crust of judgement over our hearts.

The experience of the dogs and the seeing through the incident is now clearing.  There is a great peace here this morning.  There is no residual replaying of the drama.  Is it completely cleared?  That will only be known when I meet a similar experience again.  Every moment offers us something to clear though, something to bring the wisdom mind forward and through the habitual way of seeing.

This is the end of judgement, this way of seeing and the living inside of freedom.  I hope it is clear that life will continue to happen the same as before; but the seeing, the way of holding events and experiences, is liberated with wisdom and compassion.  The struggle ceases, the resistance to reality goes and we just keep feeling and being present as love in the midst of everything.

Fractured view

This morning there is a seeing of the fractured view that has been the familiar way of seeing for all my life. I can see now that this way of seeing 'me and you' as separate is a splitting of Truth. I see that the habit of this way of seeing has been a fractured labeling of the Oneness. The sense that there is this other person or plant or animal or structure of form that is not me and then projecting onto this disowned appearance what I do not or can not own from my state of beliefs of who I am, is the reaction that is inherent in this deluded way of seeing the world.

Now, I see how suffering is created! When I see my dog as needy and I hold the belief of separation, then I can blame her for not being satisfied with the circumstances of the moment. If however, I drop the separate seeing and simply allow my experience, with out any projection of other, than I will feel some sensation, something that is wanting to flow and the action will spontaneously evolve from within the perfection of oneness. This will halt the abuse of misidentification and controlling of otherness.

What I see initially is simply perfect until I place it outside of the moment arising and give it a label and a judgement "too needy or too noisy or old or etc". I don't even need to bring the projection back unless it is contracting somewhere. And yet if there is still a contraction in my experience, I can then realize that without the view of oneness, I am needing the other to be different; and that is being "too needy"!

With out seeing dog and self there will be no separation in the mind and then there will be acceptance of what is arising as one appearance flowering after another. This is the union of what has been split and separated and labeled and used to promote the egoic identity of specialness and dominance.

Yesterday's group revealed this amazing teaching or correction of view. It was so clear how we all fracture our reality into these pieces of otherness or not me ness; and then we habitually build our separate special identity that is not like the other and dance our dance of subject/object. I have read this and heard this over and over again in all the great teachings. I have contemplated the union of opposites and the collapse of the mind of duality. This seeing is such a jewel of awakening!

So in each moment, all appearances that are arising within my sphere are simply appearances. There is no otherness and yet they are not me ness either lest I use them to build a new state of egoic identity. They are beyond all labeling and judging and referencing. The appearances and the experiences of sensations that occur within this "me" sphere of experience are simply what is arising in this moment and then they will dissolve again and arise differently in the next moment or disappear completely. There is no longer any validity in seeing separation and using it to establish a Story about "ME" and 'YOU". The story cannot construct itself without this fragmented view and then of course suffering will cease.

Let this Truth be stabilized in all my moments with the awareness of Oneness today!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Dream Fabric of the Night

"May I clearly perceive all experiences to be as insubstantial as the dream fabric of the night and instantly awaken to perceive the pure wisdom display in the arising of every phenomenon."

This is my request today, as I sit and bring my awareness into focus. This morning the magic of this prayer is easily perceived in the silence of the new snowfall. A world of black and white is presenting itself in great stillness. . Such a virginal world is set before me. Untouched for now, as is the view of wisdom and compassion untouched by labels and judgements.

Many times during the days I remind my self of this pure view of life, this wisdom display. This view that sees and feels beyond and yet within the world of reaction, projection, preference and judgement, which always dances around this idea of me. What peace there is in this practice of wisdom. What compassion arises when this view is the place I am standing.

There is this moment, yet untouched by this mind stream, arising, still and white. This moment, now, and this moment, like the shutter lens of a camera taking snaps second by second. Instantly it appears and then is gone. Like the snow falling, everything arising and falling so quickly, now, now, now. Why should I get stuck in some sticky belief of imperfection when it is all flowing inside this great expanse of awareness, perfectly.

This morning I bow to nature and it's splendid display of Truth! Always arising to reveal that which is beyond words, concepts, like the dream fabric of the night.

Mary, Mother of Christ, Virgin Mother

Ave Maria , Christmas Eve, Holy Night, are all names pointing to the Christian story of Christ's Birth, the birth of Light! I sit here with Mary, the Great Womb of all creation. I know her as Tara now; but the name is only a label pointing to the same Mother Divine. And so today I will celebrate the Holy Womb of Mary.

How limited the teachings that were handed down to us by the Christian church, making Mary nothing more than a woman who had never had sex so that Christ could be born through her.

She is the Divine Mother, the Great Virgin, the Holy Perfection, the Spotless Womb of all creation. She is the Virgin that gives birth to those who come home to her, who return to the Truth of their essence. She is the Great Lotus Flower out of which all enlightened beings birth.

Holy Mary, I bow to you and honor your blessed womb this day. Ave Maria, I praise this possibility for all beings to return to you, the great sea of compassion and wisdom. You alone can give birth to this Light, this essence we hold with in us. You are the Mother Divine that awaits for her children to surrender their stories of false identities and separation and come back to the beginning, the essence, before names and forms were claimed. Oh Mother, mother of Christ, mother of Buddha, mother of Allah, mother of all enlightened beings, I honor you today. I pray for the union of Virgin Mother and Child, the dance of the Truth, the Great Perfection to take places in every heart that has wandered into the separation of self and other.

I see the dissolving of forms and labels as the Light of your heart births the pure and stainless essence in all of us. May we come home to this simple truth and give up our dances of different religions, traditions, and teachings. May all beings come home to you this night and birth Christ consciousness, Light, into this world.

Yulokod

Creating this land called Yulokod is where my  attention is  now. Sitting with this, I see nothing. I expected to see the entire vision come in and yet it has remained empty, empty of form. This morning I penetrate this deeper and hear to begin with what is needed in this moment of time. Begin with the vision of what my personal needs are and then the rest will flow. Still this seems beyond the realm of possibility, to begin to create without the resources already in place; but that is what is being shown to do. When I contemplate this, it is definitely stretching my mind open to what creativity is. One point, one beginning stroke not knowing the outcome. One placement of color, one brick, one cornerstone placed, is the beginning. It is as if these actions made with pure motivation are what is called for, nothing more. No call has been made to gather resources or create grand plans and designs. The beginning is the opening of the point for the light to begin to enter.

Choices from the heart

My heart feels so full today. I had a dream this morning just before waking. I had a little girl in my arms.  She was about 3 years old with golden white hair. I loved her so much. I felt so so much love, I could hardly contain it. I just loved being with her and being with her innocence and beauty. Some how it has happened! Somehow the choice I made years ago has opened up this union of lover and beloved.

So many years ago Rinpoche asked me to make a choice. The choice was to choose enlightenment, immediately; or go back and find the little girl that had been so rejected and abandoned in my childhood.  I was stunned by this choice! He said, he knew it was a very difficult choice to make. All my life I had been reaching for the accomplishment of full realization/enlightenment, every moment was for that. But, when given the choice, I chose to go back for my little girl. I always wondered if I had made the 'right' choice; but I knew my heart couldn't have done otherwise. Had I lost my chance? Wasn't enlightenment the goal? Rinpoche knew the devastation of my childhood and often remarked; "what a big chunk I had taken on in this lifetime". He assured me though that I was being helped.

Now this morning I am reminded of that choice. I am seeing the surrender of both agenda and outcome that occurred that day. I gave up my goal for the child that I love so dearly.

These goals and plans no matter how lofty are bound for collapse. The desire to get anything that is beyond this present moment is a trick of the ego. My choice was the only choice possible in that moment. Enlightenment is merely another concept! Love and surrender are actions of compassion arising from an enlightened heart!

So many times it seems we are living inside a plan for some future gain, whether it be a better job, a better body, an easier life, a higher status, a spiritual gain. They are all equal to grasping at what is illusory.

The choice is so sweet now and full and real. This heart, that I have found inside of me, is all that I could ever want!

Gift giving

I saw something so subtle and beautiful the other day. I happened upon a documentary of two shamans, one was a Grandfather and one was a Grandmother of different indigenous tribes. They were called to a meeting and filming. Each presented several gifts from themselves. One was a plant wrapped in a beautiful cloth, it was a corn plant. One was a song sung into a drum made of seal skin. I just remember these two gifts mostly. The gifts were given with such joy and presence to the other.

 What was remarkable, was to see how they were received. I watched as neither recipient took the gift to them self as personal. They received the giving of the gift but did not take of the gift. 
 I have contemplated this for a couple of days now. As they were receiving the other's gift, they maintained a very open, radiant,  peaceful, presence and thanked the giver. There was, however, no involvement of liking or not liking the gift. I see tonight that the gift was given as if to one's own heart and received without any trace of taking of some thing that would in any way complete the other. For there is no other to receive or accept it.

 I watched as the shaman grandfather touched the cheek of the grandmother, later in the documentary, and she was in such a silence of her own! Nothing was exchanged! It was already fulfilled within each of them.

There was the gift, there was the giving, the joy of the giving,........ but no real receiver that was separate from the giver.

I am thinking of this as Christmas is about here and I have chosen and made gifts for others. I have spent some time to find what it is that they desire. I know from experience, that I never meet that place in the other with a material gift. There is always a polite thank you.

What is this revelation about?

I think it is to see that all gifts are given as an offering to the Divine or to fill someones pictures of desired objects. Either our heart is in the giving or it is simply and sadly a performance, wasted, to fill someone's temporary craving . Have I chosen to give with my heart? Have I really spent time in my heart with my 'projection of otherness' to see what would cherish them? It is my offering after all, unless someone gave me a list to fill; and that has no heart in it. Just filling an order, so to speak. I see that I have only one such gift that I am giving that has my heart in it. Maybe two even three! And when I give them, I must give them to fulfill my joy in cherishing them! For they are the beloved in my life. . They are my creations, my stories, my dreams. When I give my song from within the drum beat of my heart then these gifts are truly given! They are the gifts that will be shining and vibrating my generosity and my pleasure. These gifts are my chance to express my heart. There is no need for them to be actually received personally for they have already found their completion in the act of the offering which contains my heart's honoring and devotion to Love itself.

The rest of the gifts are temporary amusements, so to speak. They are lists fulfilled; with web blasters and baseball bats and furry boot slippers. There is love in them; but they support a kind of material filling of deluded pictures of happiness! They will be enjoyed for a day or two and then put aside for some other momentary pleasure. They will not bring the same expression of love with them.

Why do I still give to this split way of being?. Why am I still serving the world's ways of fixes and momentary gratification? My heart ponders this!

May all beings be happy, may they receive what makes them happy until they come home to the Heart of Giving and open to the Joy of Generosity!

Experiencing is enough

My heart reaches into silence to restore itself. My heart is feeling an emptiness this morning. There is a sadness that seems to have arisen that is sitting in the center a bit to the right . It is pointed with a dull ache, resting in the deep center. Some question is hanging in the mind stream. Some question, some doubt, has visited this morning. I sit here to listen with a gentle non rejecting placement of attention. Sadness, aching, is arising and that can be enough for me to experience.

Story dances like a seductress at the edges of this experience and wisdom penetrates the core with compassion. Practice has led to this peace with what is. So many years of practice and falling down have come before this moment of aching and allowing to be possible! Even in this I am at peace now.

Movement extends over my right heart area, aching deepens, a grief of tears seems to want to arise. Tears come from the eyes. There is a flow arising from my heart, weeping, stinging sadness. A simple feeling received now......

My throat seems to harden now, the movement rising upward like a flowering of sorts. Reaching, reaching silently upward. A pressing down, pressing backwards sensation and then more tears arise. Who is weeping, who is so moved without a trace of story. Eyes wet now, warmth expanding throughout my chest. My throat now swallowing again and breathing, relaxed in its steady rhythm.

Sunrise, blue sky morning is fully arriving.

This, this presence is so exquisite. Each momentt rich with life. Rich with creation. Subtle spacious sitting in silence.

Intimacy

We contemplated intimacy yesterday in our group sessions. It was definitely a surprise when the discourse started forming itself. It was so clear at the end that it is always and only intimacy with the Self that is the accomplishment or realization. Realization meaning to be real, real with what is and allowing it to arise as it is without suppression of the experience, in each moment.

I believe most of us are very busy suppressing the isness of our experience day in and day out. We make everything into something that makes sense or in some way continually reconstructs our egoic identity. Every experience seems to be needing to fit into our idea, our thinking, of who we are and how we should be in that moment of time, with the audience that is present, and or the identity I have arrived at.

Relationship is thought to be between two people or beings; but in fact it is two stories colliding in time and space with fixed expectations of how the other can benefit the me in the middle. ' Do you love me?', 'Will you take care of me?', 'Will you not see what I am hiding so I can go on in my delirium of self absorption?'. etc. I have found that to be the case in my sphere of experience. If I were to see the game I am playing, then the spell would be broken and it would become readily available to the realization that relationship with another is a myth.

Somehow though the myth is what we all seem to seek as the answer to our longing and our sense of incompleteness. Then the underside of this is the absolute avoidance of intimacy with myself. Some even  uncover the self hatred that exists in the undertow of the communication. ' I hate myself, I do destructive things to my physical form and my thoughts are cruel toward me, critizing me; but I want you to love me!'or what about 'I hate my life will you fix me?' or ' I can't be alone I need to be distracted with this relationship and hang on you and try to manipulate you to being what I say I want and need.' and then there is the real hidden agenda of ' I want you to serve me and adore me and be here when I want you and not be here when I am busy with something else.' All of this in the name of I LOVE YOU.

I know this all seems quite awful when I put it into words. People often want to have a 'relationship' with me and I just don't go there any more. I have seen through the myth, I guess. I do love people; but getting caught in those webs is such an entanglement I can no longer afford. I have a full time job being in relationship with this body/mind construct that I call myself. Every moment is so different when I am fully present, intimate with it. Each moment seems to be a choice and a turning point. That's quite fulfilling. It seems, each moment holds so many possibilities. Like the moment just before I opened the computer to write. It was like standing before a blank canvas. What to put on that page? Then there was a scan through consciousness to see where there was a residue of something, I don't know what, to begin to write about. So there was a trace of a conversation I want to have about this thing of intimacy. The writing is a kind of unwinding of beliefs, undoing of limitations that haven't been completely dissolved. In other words a spiritual practice!

I definitely have meetings with people that I feel a lot of attraction. Some meetings are quite exciting and stimulating to my interests; but I need to remember they are like faucets of possibilities which quench momentary fleeting interests. The people are facets of experiences within moments and not fixed entities to serve my interest. The moment that seemed so exciting and sweet was just that, a moment filled with all the appearances and sensations that arose together. The people were appearances that are always changing also. I cannot and must not fix them into a mold to serve my agendas for a future good time. I want to allow them to change and be all that they are also, and dance with them however they are, the next time we meet. Always the real substance is the Truth which lies beyond the sphere of other and separation.

So back to the basic Truth as I come to at the end of this contemplation. Intimacy is only and always with myself, as I am, in each moment as it arises with all it's appearances and experiences. I must not grasp at or construct, a fixed identity, out of these spontaneous experiences; but allow them to arise and dissolve beyond the realm of role and reason. Intimacy has no agenda, no rules, no fixed outcomes. Intimacy is allowing, with compassion, all that occurs, moment by moment, without moving away or towards the appearances to make them anything that serves the ego. It is total freedom from expectation and yet deeply satisfying to the one that abides in it. Some mystics call this being with the Beloved! Some say it is intimacy with God. I say it is the only thing that has meaning and when I am in this intimacy I am in love with every one and everything that is arising. I am then the Lover of what Is.

The dreaming

It is a cold December morning. The rooster across the street announces the day with all his heart!

Awaken, awaken and realize this is a dream.

Realize this very real experience is nothing more than hallucination, perfect hallucination. Everything you experience happening outside of 'you' is really inside your mindstream. This mindstream is the author of these powerful experiences and they satisfy all the senses of awareness. ( Satisfy, meaning fulfill the senses with experience'; sound, smell, taste, touch, seeing......... ) It could be likened to a fantastic performance lasting a lifetime.

As the awakening occurs the veil softens becoming more and more transparent and the attachment to the personal identity become less and less of an obstacle to the Truth.

This morning in mindstream, I say it is December and I name the sound Rooster and I place it across the street. I feel it is occurring outside but in fact it is all here inside this dreamer. When did the dream begin? When the mind of duality and separation arise as real?

I am the morning, I am the rooster crowing myself awake........ the dream is feeling more and more dreamlike and less able to create suffering.

I am the morning, I am the rooster crowing all beings awake, I am the cold, I am the air, I am the emptiness that holds it all with great compassion. Nothing and everything dancing together without suffering!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Writing down the syllables

It was spoken to myself and Regina I think


Together you are gathering, risking, holding the blessing of service to all beings. Small steps taken with courage build the foundation of lasting peace. The moment calls for activity and listening, back and forth, one depending on the other. Two work side by side to see, to hear, to receive the vibrations of creative formulation. There is movement beyond what can be known, there is light beyond the colors, there is sound beyond the tone and it is for the sake of the children coming Home.

Bring your silence together with your heart's longing. Bring your vision into the light of serving each moment without compromise ,without holding back. Each moment is sacred. Each second holds the possibility of joy within your motivation,your aspiration, to allow your full potential.

Without recourse, it is this way to spread ones wings that leads to the fullness of compassion. This is not, is not, a personal foundation rather it is to found that which holds the key to realization of love on a grand scale. The key to open the bonds of limitation is to bring all of your talents, all of your gifts, resources, comforts to the basket that will serve all of beings.

Withhold nothing, step forward without thinking of the loss, the outcome, the gain. Simply give and receive, serving what is opening in each moment. Realize the power of humility, realize the strength of fearlessness, realize the joy of unbounded generosity. This is your path, the path that opens doors to the heart, the Heart of Life, fulfillment.

Your simple life, your 'yes' is all that is needed. Do not measure the giving, do not look and weigh the costs, just stay grounded in the need of each moment. Each new moment is a birth, is an embrace of what is opening to be received,  with the arms of compassion and wisdom.

You follow a great wave of dharma flow. This stream of words, actions, revelations, creations is given in this time. It is being given because you have arrived to receive it and you, the two of you are available to let the realms of the Arya Tara find expression.


A world full of beggars

This world is full of beggars wandering around, homeless, looking for recognition, fame, love, payment for their ways of prostitution, leaning into each other hopelessly and waiting to receive something to fill their pockets. It is as if we are all standing on street corners with a sign Homeless, please help! The help is already present and yet it is not recognized.

The jewel in the heart awaits the prodigal son and daughter to return home. The seat, the throne is vacant of the holder. Postponement reigns in the folly of worldly concerns and self deluded systems.

There is such a sweet nectar and rest once the realization occurs. The ones of wisdom keep bringing the Truth lifetime after lifetime. The flow of compassion exists in each and every moment of your life. The invitation now and always is to come Home and leave the toys of dualism and suffering behind. Come, come, whoever you are! The feast is prepared and the celebration of your homecoming is immanent.

Forms arise from thought vibrations

All forms arise from thought vibrations created in giving attention to a thought arisen in mind. The first notion, the instant of conception, is a thought that is placed in accord with a vibratory frequency that awareness gives time and space to. The mind is full of deluded fantasies; and out of those form the continuous experiences that befall mankind and all beings.

Untrained and untamed, the fruits of this imagination are cycles of burdening experiences touching every aspect of life here on earth. These forms arise with legacies of destruction, already present, encoded in habits and tendencies, like time capsules waiting to release the poisons within.

It is now that the Mother comes to quell the madness and transform the poisoned mindstream with the delicate transmission of light that opens the hearts of the cast of players in this dark game.

Petty motives surround the living forms, poisoned and hostile leaders control large camps of sentient beings with promises of beauty, wealth, longevity, power. In fact none of these states of being is possible, for the body is but a rented phantom shelter designed with a time limit and a final date of expiration.

At this  time there is seeing of the darkness. It is with the light of the Mother, that the veil of denial is lifted and the coming  realization occurs for those, who can see and hold the seeing, with an unbiased heart of benevolence. This heart of seeing is vast  in it's capacity to allow and release reaction towards what is  revealed.

The work, or the activity of this day, this time, is to withhold self involvement and return to the noble heart of Mother before reaction occurs. The key to this turning is in the ability to hold, to maintain ones vigilance and serve the heart of the Mother in all experiences.

Grief is not to be suppressed and yet it is not to be danced with as in righteousness. Allow the grief to flow without attaching to objects and without retrieving the habit of separation of personal self-hood.

Human mind is little mind limited by the reference to being separate and having a special point of view to guard. Big Mind or Heart/Mind is without a reference of specialness or separateness. It is the flow of nectar that occurs spontaneously from the Mother and those beings who have surrendered into the stream of Mother.

Surrender is the activity, surrender inside each moment to the spaciousness of light and truth. Compassion will arise amidst the emptiness of no bias and no self. Peace will emanating as the construct of separation devolves. The dream will show it's face and the Mother's Blessing will carry beings forth.

Practice placing your point of reference into the basket of offerings that lay upon the altar requesting transformation from the Mother. Let your attachment to your point of view, your personal safety, your self esteem, your rights, your life, your comfort, your healing, all be given over in every moment. Blend with the Mother's will and peace will capture the vibration of darkness and pierce the layers of suffering.

There is no job to change this planet, yet, it will occur; the activity is to surrender the point of personal self-hood and it's myriad of attachments and allow the flow of experience to cleanse the mind of painful fantasies.

The point is missed when the world is seen as the object to be maintained for survival. That is not the case. The ideas of position and extinction, ecological imbalance are mirrors of the great darkness of the mind stream here on planet earth. The symptoms are treated with realization of the root cause not otherwise. All effort and activity now is but bargaining with karma and yet there is no bargaining with cause and effect. It is what it is. Entrance into Truth is the path to transformation. The mirror cannot be changed only the one who is being mirrored can effect the reflection.

The cleansing of the earth will take place through the cleansing of the mind stream of mankind. Spontaneous activity will occur to create new energies and fields of freedom for children. Education will not live to suppress the innocent. Every garden of cultivation will sow mindful activities for all beings. The mind that became en-darkened will transform using the darkness to access the light within. Remember both are needed; and then the reaction will be quelled, as you continue to bring you heart to matters of experience that confront you daily.

Both are necessary for the transformation to occur. It is through this perfection that the great moment will be realized and the darkness of duality in the mind stream will cease to have power to create suffering. Be present for the piercing of the veil and your hearts will be released from the captivity of the dream.

The Mother's message

The Mother:

In your heart is
the purpose of your incarnation! In your heart is the opening to the great way and the sublime path within this dream of duality. Stop trying to live inside the concept of emptiness, release this point of reference for it is limiting. Your heart knows the joy of it's completion and expression. Allow this to open now and lift you from the baggage of conceptual attainment. There is nothing to attain but the freedom of your heart, unfettered by obstacles of conceptual birth.

You are naturally free and loving, flying like a bird without tracks in the sky. You are the child and the joy of the Mother. You are the vessel of my birth and the voice of my heart and the eyes of my visioning.  My vision unfolds through your surrender. You discern the vibrations in sounds, the energies calling and resisting my blessing.

Today, now, in this very instant, you receive the message that has always been coming since the beginning of time. This acceptance, this opening, allows revelation to come through the form of your body/mind.

Formless, the Mother takes form in this and every moment. As you surrender, separation and story, past and future, are released; and revelations from the stream of Tara arise. One moment is a yes, one moment is a no, back and forth you have swung between clinging to the false form and opening to the flow of the Mother.

There is an open invitation to allow this flow, this stream, to express continuously now. The discrimination has occurred and the realization stabilizing. My expression comes as this surrender and opening are engaged.

The MOTHER vibrations are carried on the letters of language when experience is pure and empty of story. The story maker is surrendered to the moment, where no story can arise. This surrender is the opening for the light, the stream of the Mother. This surrender opens the heart's expression whether in words, actions or revelations.

The only way to enter this true service is to release the attachment to self and allow the flow of the Mother's heart to rise and express. There is no need to wait, for each moment has it's meeting with this love. Each moment surfaces like a newborn child to be nurtured and held in astonishment.

Mother feeds her child and child is filled with Mother's blessing, Mother's milk! Do you see this is the way of your heart? Be blessed today by blessing! Be open today by opening to selflessness, storyless of past and future.

A great tree is arising in the West, the new light coming from the beginning has reached it's destination! The tree, the branches and the leaves, the turquoise leaves of Yulokod fill the heart's of many.

The Mother is weaving her shawl, her carpet, her web of light throughout all creation!

Cleansing of the Earth

All forms arise from thought vibrations created in giving attention to a thought arisen in mind. The first notion, the instant of conception, is a thought that is placed in accord with a vibratory motive that awareness gives time and space to. The mind is full of deluded fantasies; and out of those form the continuous experiences that befall mankind and all beings.

Untrained and untamed the fruits of this imagination are cycles of burdening experiences touching every aspect of life here on earth. These forms arise with legacies of destruction, already present, encoded in habits and tendencies, like time capsules waiting to release the poisons within.

It is now that the Mother comes to quell the madness and transform the poisoned mindstream with the delicate transmission of light that opens the hearts of the cast of players in this dark game.

Petty motives surround the living forms, poisoned and hostile leaders control large camps of sentient beings with promises of beauty, wealth, longevity, power. In fact none of these states of being is possible, for the body is but a rented shelter designed with a time limit and a final date of occupancy.

This morning is the time of the seeing of the darkness. It is with the light of the Mother, that the veil of denial is lifted and the coming of realization occurs for those, who can see and hold the seeing, with the unbiased heart of benevolence. This heart of seeing is stretched in it's capacity to allow and release reaction towards what is opened and revealed.

The work or the activity of this day, this time, is to withhold self involvement and return to the noble heart of Mother before reaction occurs. The key to this turning is in the ability to hold, to maintain ones vigilance and serve the heart of the Mother in all experiences.

Grief is not to be suppressed and yet it is not to be danced with as in righteousness. Allow the grief to flow without attaching to objects and without retrieving the habit of separation of personal self-hood.

Human mind is little mind limited by the reference to being separate and having a special point of view to guard. Big Mind or Heart/Mind is without a reference of specialness or separateness. It is the flow of nectar that occurs spontaneously from the Mother and those beings who have surrendered into the stream of Mother.

Surrender is the activity, surrender inside each moment to the spaciousness of light and truth. Compassion will arise amidst the emptiness of no bias and no self. Peace will emanating as the construct of separation devolves. The dream will show it's face and the Mother's Blessing will carry beings forth.

Practice placing your point of reference into the basket of offerings that lay upon the altar requesting transformation from the Mother. Let your attachment to your point of view, your personal safety, your self esteem, your rights, your life, your comfort, your healing, all be given over in every moment. Blend with the Mother's will and peace will capture the vibration of darkness and pierce the layers of suffering.

There is no job to change this planet, yet, it will occur; the activity is to surrender the point of personal self-hood and it's myriad of attachments and allow the flow of experience to cleanse the mind of painful fantasies.

The point is missed when the world is seen as the object to be maintained for survival. That is not the case. The ideas of position and extinction, ecological imbalance are mirrors of the great darkness of the mind stream here on planet earth. The symptoms are treated with realization of the root cause not otherwise. All effort and activity now is but bargaining with karma and yet there is no bargaining with cause and effect. It is what it is. Entrance into Truth is the path to transformation. The mirror cannot be changed only the one who is being mirrored can effect the reflection.

The cleansing of the earth will take place through the cleansing of the mind stream of mankind. Spontaneous activity will occur to create new energies and fields of freedom for children. Education will not live to suppress the innocent. Every garden of cultivation will sow mindful activities for all beings. The mind that became en-darkened will transform using the darkness to access the light within. Remember both are needed; and then the reaction will be quelled, as you continue to bring you heart to matters of experience that confront you daily.

Both are necessary for the transformation to occur. It is through this perfection that the great moment will be realized and the darkness of duality in the mind stream will cease to have power to create suffering. Be present for the piercing of the veil and your hearts will be released from the captivity of the dream.

11/21/09

Situations Occur according to karmic readiness

This time is and has always been layered in present moment as many other experiences are. The way situations arise are according to the karmic readiness of the individuals, the being that is to experience it.

Judging and taking responsibility for other's experience and their reactions to them is not fruitful. The actions that serve are the actions that come from your heart and give joy and delight to your days. The act or reaction of judgement is habitual and brings suffering in it's wake. The dance of celebration and offering light and beauty and movement to the Mother brings in light and joy.. It is the way of blessing. And so let your day be filled with such a dance and make offerings for all you meet. Do not get bogged down in the conversion of their reactions, as that is not possible; and you will meet resistance. You are not here to serve resistance; you are here to give glory to the Mother.

There is no way to judge any one or any situation as good or bad; for there is no way to understand the mystery at work bringing the grace that is needed. The essence of all that arises is emptiness/awareness/compassion. It is always so; and that is the heart of all creation. Allow the unfolding to take place without acting to change or modify, in anyway, what is ocurring. Bring a heart of presence to each person you meet. It is what you do have to give.

This time is dark and full of ones with great resistance to the light. Their time will bring them many opportunities to choose freedom and light. The most powerful gift you have is your presence and your practice. Allow that to be enough and go on dancing with your heart full of service.

Message from the Mother

MOTHER:

Blessings go forth from the strength that is held in abiding in wisdom. These blessings are the showers that support and remove or dissolve the karma and the obstacles for those who depend upon you. It is not apparent, the power of this stance; and yet you are being informed that it is the most potent force possible. Actions, the mode of doing, is not the best use of your life force. There is this tendancy to get hooked by the perceptions and interactions that occur while engaging in such efforts. Wait for the movement to arise without the influence of guilt, effort, worry and fear. Wait for the moment and allow my love to move you, not the complusions of your thinking mind.

The light is now spreading and gathering towards this place of power and glory of the Mother. Spend your time abiding in the soft presence that is now radiating throughout this land and home. There is no plan simply the unfolding of The Mother's Activity happening now.

Our own unique mandala

Each being has it's own particular mandala of beings interacting with it over each lifetime. Every day, as one passes through the journey of life, these friends bring forth mirrors of one's lost or disowned, separated out, parts so to speak. Because of the dualistic mind which is always entertaining preference and morality or rejecting what is not acceptable to the mental, there are many rejected forms and situations that continue to manifest in ones field. In order to find the peace of wholeness, it is necessary to accept all attributes as mine. The order of separation must cease; and the field of separate, unique, forms that please and displease, must be dissolved, in order to reach the Truth of life and who you are. The process of dissolving this abyss of projection is the path of the heart. Each person, each situation, brings an opportunity to mend the divide and release the judgmental mind.

We gravitate towards the objects that we deem perfect, beautiful, intelligent, charismatic and reject those beings we see as imperfect, threatening our picture of security. Those beings and situations that arouse fear, that we use to create distance from, that anger us and shame us, are the situations we caste aside and avoid.  Each being has certain particular avoidances. Some avoid imperfection, some avoid those appearing needy, those that threaten failure, those that appear ordinary, those that threaten ones idea of security, weakness, generosity, sobriety, inner investigation and so on. All experiences work for the good of each being, bringing challenge to the resistant egoic stances.

As you walk through your day, be aware of the many chances that are presented to dissolve the great divide in your mental activity. Be present to the surfacing of nauseous feelings, anger, tightening of the muscles, and the quality of the breathing. The body records the grasping and rejecting reactions and it is there that attention can recognize the separation and bring light to the suffering that is present.

Be aware of each movement and see how that awareness can open opportunity for redemption.

Bring all your addictions, faults and failing to the Mother

You can bring your faults and failings to the Mother.

Do not try to correct or remove them with the energy of ego mind. Many flock today to these groups of recovery, but the recovery is mired in the egos flood of shame, guilt, and confession in a way that brings popularity to these experiences of failure. Glamour comes in many flavors and menus of fixing and correcting what is wrong only to suppress the deeper struggle within. Ego identity is the source of this addiction thinking. It is all about self absorbtion, basking in the minds techniques that bring a self forward as real and broken and addicted to some substance. The real addiction is to the thought, 'I am real'. This I is the source of the problem not the substance. What are you medicating from?, feeling, experience that will undo your claim to specialness and separateness.

You are invited into this moment, pure and simple. Bring all that your are, the awareness that is yours, to what is; and be with that without claiming another story of recovery. Recover from the 'fleeing' from 'what is' now arising in your field of experience. Recover from running to something that sounds more noble, more exciting, more noteworthy and allow yourself to abide here with this beat of pulse, this ticking of seconds, bird songs, wind whispers. Watch the cat stretch after napping all afternoon and the dog groan in her corner from winter days of rain and sleet and snow. Be silent with the gray sky and the shadow that is cast by early evening on another day. Silent with 'what is' opening in this ordinary moment of aloneness. No stimulation to distance 'you' from the solitude of being present.

Life, what is it for anyway but to finally recognize that what you see and hear and taste is what you make of it. What you feel is what ever thoughts you engage in you fantasy of inner dramas. It is yours to enter into or stand outside in a plethora of lies and projections. The choice is available and the awareness is present.

Stillness is what is here. When will you realize it is 'all' right here and it is 'all' happening perfectly. Nothing needs to be controlled and you are not to be a project to be changed for any role in life. What happens is what is flowing and your only choice is whether to flow with this great river of life or resist with some other thought. Thought about 'me', what 'i' should be doing, making, being, fixing, even thinking about.

And so tonight let it be. Let the thought of being different, doing something better, whatever is seducing you in the 'mental' be realized and let it release. Be still and know what is and allow it to be enough as it is without any further thought of you, who you are, what you should be doing or not doing.

Let go of this fo

Writing the Mother's Book

My writing has turned to the channeling of The Mother's Book. It appears that this blog was more about personal perceptions and the undoing of wrong views in the reference point of an I. Recently, the realization has occured that there is the possibility of going to The Mother and allowing her to write through this vessel, or vehicle. It has been a practice of listening to what wants to form into words through a wisdom channel. My own writing is more Virgo oriented in that most of the writing was in retrospect a reporting of judgement about the experiences that were taking place in the personal I realm.

Now I move into another track which is to serve the place that doesn't know what words are wanting to be laid down or the order that they want to come in. It is not pointing at my own personal reference point but more about the teachings that the Mother wishes to release into the world. I am committed to pursueing this course and leaving the personal for what it is, simple judgement of past experiences through my critical mind.


With this said I turn to that which is my deepest desire, which is to serve The Mother.

Message from the Mother

From the Mother:

During the dawn of this new creation, this new world/earth many presents will arrive that were not even ideas in your mind. It is impossible for you to know before hand or to receive information that will meld into any context that you have. Your pictures cannot hold what is approaching and it is. Pictures are always barriers or distortions from the mind built from past misperceptions. Drop the forms that are expected by these patterns. Allow the letters to continue to drop one at a time. Your writing will become the container for the letters to unfold. You may begin to write like this from now on. You do not need to keep correcting or looking for progress in your behavior. Write from this place and let the letters flow one by one. You have done this before! Many times when you look back you have seen how incredible the writings have been. It is not for you to question what to write about, simple write and let it flow through you from now on. Start a new blog if you will or better start a page and copy the page and add it to a book regularly.

Tonight is the introduction to the book of letters dropping from the Noble Mother's heart. Beings will read this from time to time and know the truth of loving activity here on the planet earth at this time. Beware of analyzing any of what is to come through. Simply be the servant or the vessel that receives the letters. Worlds are coming into being as these expressions are put into words. Yes worlds of actions, worlds of vibrations, worlds of energies that will support the undoing of the darkness and bring the light of the Mothers love forebeing into this moment, now, for all beings. Telling truth of each moment is like letters for the words, for the poetry of the angels. Truth stands in each communication, in each expression, bound by laws of nature and creation's harmony. Blessings will continue to shower forth unceasingly bringing this joy and radiance to those ready, hungry and having the capacity of receptivity to unknown beaches. Coming through, more people will gather who have also received letters to add to the poetry of the Mothers house. Be simple, be each day with this gift of expression.  Let the great water of Mother's breast hold the ship you are crossing in. Let the warmth of quiet moments bring their blessings to your field of awareness. Let you heart feel the nourishment of this path of service.

Taking on entities from others

Dear Mother, Noble Tara,
Day after day I bring my experience of grief and disappointment to you and yet here I am today with another heavy load of suffering in my way. I have given myself to you, given my life to you, believed that there would be a lessening of these poisonous habits within my mindstream and yet this morning I am here again sitting on top of alot of petty thoughts and angry restless feelings. How can I continue with this tenacious deep rut of hatred blocking my heart. I try to catch the reactions before they fly out as judgments. I am feeling quite down about this. Even shameful that I haven't been able to dislodge these poisons.

Would you please show me what I need to do with this suffering so that it will be cleared and I can have all the joy in my heart available to serve other and have the experience of my true nature arise?


My beloved Tara, these thoughts and habits you are claiming to be yours are actually where the problem is in your thinking. These are not your thoughts; but you do take on the suffering that others pollute the earth with. When you are in company of people who are unconscious it is like a plague of suffering that is carried from one person to the next. As you sit in that field your activity clears the field and now you have brought that field to the Great Mother. This is how you do it over and over. The contamination that occurs is not because you have created it but that you have actually lifted it from others. Working in the world is quite difficult for you when you are open and sensitive and passionate about loving. Look at your heart and it's incredible desire for love and the holding of your grandchildren yesterday and then the dismay at the poisoned unconscious mindstream of their mother. This was difficult for you and you tried to lift it. You have come away with the disease that was present in the experience of your visit yesterday.  That is the simple way of stating it.

When you identify with the feelings that are present, then you also will suffer. And so what is to learn here is to watch the habit of identification with the experience. Joy and delight are yours truly.. The place of awareness grows in the interactions with those lost in the world of suffering, grasping/rejection of experience. You don't have to open and be as vulnerable to these beings and the outcome will be the rsame, their fields will be lifted. Remember this. It is the same with J. She does not need what she asks for from you; and saying no is not a wrong answer. Allow yourself to be guided by your instinct in all situations and do not return with your critical mind and take on the identification of form/role/ etc.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Present Moment Awareness

Autumn wind blowing leaves,
Shaking, some falling to the ground.
Still warm sunshine.
I hear the song in the wind
I see the light dancing among the trees, bouncing off the still green leaves.

Tomorrow isn't possible.
Only this moment arises fully.
No past to worry about, no plan to make,
Presence,  pain in the right knee.

Some thoughts arise and wrestle with health concepts and then awareness opens,
Over and over the dance returns to Truth!

Who is she

Who is this user of words that climbs free of suffering with the turning of beliefs and the light of recognition that occurs in the process? Stretching each day into the post scripts of awakening she arrives again and again inside the release.

Me and My Shadow

The shadow is the separation, the separate identity, that continues to recreate itself in thought and uses objects outside, or other than itself, for it's distinction as better or worse, right or wrong, good or bad, rich or poor....etc.  The shadow is the mental fabrication, the fiction, of self and other or subject and object.  

When there is an efforting to get to some other experience then is present,  there is the projection of lacking in what is arising.  The only way that can be created is by a mental view that is lacking of expansion, heart and presence with what is.  That would always be  the striving ambitious ego/shadow.

It could appear true, the situation may seem lacking; however, that is simply because of the view or perception that is being created through beliefs, habits of thinking formed out of mental training or conditioning.  

The path is recognizing the perception as slanted, biased, dualistic and  then transcending the view with pure awareness, awareness that is not informed by past or future thinking and awareness that is beyond the labels and limitations of the mental continuum.  

The experience of human life is experience of sensing and judging according to preferences established from a dualistic methodology.  This ' I like', and that' I don't like' arise continually in the biased mind stream as experience presents itself, moment by moment.  What is liked is anything that agrees with my bias and what is discarded or rejected is anything that is not familiar and supportive of my comforts and preferences.

  The shadow is the particular expression or attribute arising that is  separated from my self identity and projected upon an object.  Until there is acceptance of what has been rejected there cannot be self realization.  Until all experience is embraced as self arising in different expressions;  the shadow is splitting off and bias is present.

So when I see anyone as "not like me" then I have a story of shadow arising.  In groups there is always a separation between the 'innies' and the 'outies'  which is simply a more social expression of the shadow.  Whatever is different, threatening to the self and is an obstacle to my worldly concerns, is rejected.  The worldly concerns being; fame vs. humiliation, gain vs. loss, etc.

The human is constantly creating it's self expression in the world to dominate, to be acceptable, to make it in the field of abundance, comfort, and position and she is angry when that ability is not available to her for som

It's all me

I  understand and experience that every moment is me.  That happened this morning when I was driving the car and looked at the trees, felt my body driving, Gemma was panting in the back and the wind was moving through as the road moved swiftly under the wheels.  It's all me not just the body driving but every thing is me, now and it is always changing too.  I am always changing from moment to moment when I see this way.  And there is great freedom from the separate self that is efforting to do something for it is simply transforming in every second.  Footsteps, birds, food, laughter, sunsets, sunrises all me!

The separation ceased for a while today and freedom arose in it's place.  So simple, so gracious!

Exchanging Oneself for the Other

I am not sure whether this will go in the book or how to rewrite it.



When I consider the teaching in Shantideva's chapter 8, Dissolving the Barriers, I find I want to take it to the barrier that is most in my face these days.  Actually it has been a year of this experience which arises in the presence of J.  This mad, resistant, anger that wants to use her for it's life force.  I am fed up with this ignorance and this unhealthy projection.  

This morning I described a way to dissolve these barriers, as I channelled the teaching and I listened for myself as it came through.

  First let the conventional, conditioned mind of judgement have it's say.  Let the projection arise on what appears to be an outer object.  In my case it would be like this:

"She is so incapable of managing life.  She is slow, almost perhaps deficient in intelligence.  She doesn't seem to grasp the social scene and how to gauge what is going on and how to be sensitive to it.  She's lost in her world of little putterings and sometimes appears to be a doddering old woman who can't find her way, feeble, incompetent, slow, not able to measure logically what her needs are and how to meet them.  She is out of touch with reality and for me unable to meet me with strength and intelligence and depth of insight"

Next I need to step into her shoes and try on her life from her standpoint:

Her mother rejected her and shamed her and threw her shadow onto her.  She was screamed at, criticized, made to feel less then, not cherished in any way.  She wasn't able to have her true needs met and so she developed ways to get others to meet those needs.  In her way she became very dependent on others and her own capacity to develop was stifled.  Confidence did not have it's chance to flourish with simple accomplishments rather she became the outcast, the one that was not dependable.  Her sense of self was not allowed to progress and so she chose to get by hiding in a big voice, loud proclamations, and grand schemes of wealth and fame in order to hide how bereft she was inside of any attention and care.

Next find this shadow self inside of me:  

My own situation was very similar to J's.  Mother same, situation of needs not being met same, feelings of shame same. Actually I remember feeling like something was actually broken beyond repair inside of me.  I kept looking for how to fix this broken part because I wasn't like other people it seemed.  I didn't feel normal.  I went in the opposite reaction and created a totally independent self that had no need of anyone outside of me.  I became invulnerable to life and found my way through isolation rather than dependency.  I too was outcast in my family by my brothers.  I was judged as being flakey, not responsible for leading the materialistic lifestyle and making money like they led.    I had to live inside of  grand schemes of spiritual attainment and secretly hoped it would solve my feelings of lack and shame and my human experiences of depression.  I wanted to hide how bereft I was of attention and care as a little girl.

Next is to allow myself to see what it is that J. needs and then  see if I can offer it to her in service: (this is where the heart begins to open and engage)

At this point I want to burst out in grief for all that I have just realized.  Yes, "she is just like me".  I need to bring to my heart both of these little girls because they are both lost, judged, wounded heart pieces.  These little girls need to be cared for, shown how to manage with a compassionate mother guiding them.  They need to be embraced with love and patience.  The one needs to be helped to become more self reliant and have her confidence supported through her being listened to and building her ability to give to others.  The other needs to be shown how to allow others to hold her and support her, as with a compassionate mothering, and that will build her sense of receptivity for she was closed to receiving.  One could only take from others and one could only give to others.

So what I see doing this practice is mostly the dissolving of barriers and the returning to my heart!

If I had continued to see J as outside and different from me then I would continue to feel frustration with her way of surviving.  It really doesn't matter what self we build; it is just important to let that self dismantle; and this can take place through exchanging oneself for the other when there is a barrier that presents itself.