Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Process of Working with Jo

s    I need to test this one and then rewrite it if it stays

This morning I want to write about the process of working with J over the last 8 months.  In the beginning I saw her through my mind  of judgment, needing to be managed and confined because of her inability to hold and have any boundaries with others.  It came to me to give her the large master bedroom with the separate bath as a place to begin to build a self  and honestly to give me some space in our living situation.

 Over and over again I reminded her to return to her space when she was wanting to talk on the phone, instead of planting herself and all her activity in the center of the house.  I kept encouraging her to take her business, her practice, all of her activity to that one place.  It was a big step for her to take and she felt a bit isolated; but she began to grow a  boundary for the activities that belonged to her.  She also learned to be aware of me in the space and that when she was in the middle of the house with all her ranting and raving, which is what she seemed to like to do on the phone, there was no space for me to go and be with my life.  Now she returns to that space as her sanctuary and delights in being there and talks softly and less often on the phone.

 Why am I writing about this, because it wasn't until last night that I saw that through me Red Tara has been unfolding a process of mothering that was much needed by J.  At this point she is beginning to create and cook her own meals, keep a practice schedule, and care for her body with appropriate attention which was not possible in the beginning.  She is having success with her mind training practice and revels in her ability to accomplish this focus.

I saw for the first time that Tara has been mothering J through me for the past months.  I was on another tract, that of being a teacher and not really seeing how desperately she needed the structure and patience of being shown how to take care of her personal needs with compassion.  
It's the mothering that , even though I was doing it, I was begrudging it with judgment and frustration.  If the lens of thinking 'she should already have known how to care for herself' didn't give way to the heart of compassion that finally saw what was needed then really how sad.  It never really mentally occurred to me that she was actually needing this.  My mind saw her as being deficient but not with a compassionate heart.  When judgment is the point of view then very little can  be transmitted if anything.;  and the experience is struggle not compassionate activity. I was unable  to accept things where they are and as they are because of the hard view I was standing inside of.  

So returning to the 'point of view' of confidence in empty/awareness/compassion, it is out of that the true activity arises.  Now service has been flowing through me, the vehicle; but there has still been vacillation between the ground of ultimate bodhicitta and the mental struggle of conditioning which has many wrong views of every situation including the one described.

Mothering, hmmmmm!  Is this the activity of Red Tara.  Why not!  Why not meet the children where they are and give them the basis for holding the teachings.  Isn't this as necessary as anything else.  It is actually more foundational for a grown up who is missing this foundation.  Now in retrospect 8 months is not too long to get all this accomplished.  There is now for J the connection with an inner self, a home has been found and with that the foundation is becoming solid enough for holding the practices and the teachings that are essential, ie mind training.

So much breaking up of my own picture has happened of what was to take place.  Walking one person from fragmented confusion to peace and happiness.  OK that is the work of Red Tara!  It has been quite a frustrating journey for me and yet an amazing gift as well.

Somehow this whole realizations touches my heart in a very deep way.  Had I seen J as a child in need and myself as the vessel of Red Tara there would have been a much easier journey for me.  But there was still a picture that needed to be broken up that was preventing my total cooperation with Tara's activity.

What is a picture?  It is something that is an obstacle that is occurring in the mind stream that was created out of conditioning.  The basis of all condition is 'me' thinking.  In this case it may have been a picture of how I thought I was suppose to be and what enlightened activity looked like.  I had seen all the lamas and other spiritual teachers and made a program out of that scene.  Instead of allowing real service to arise which is enlightened activity which arises out of compassion, loving acceptance of where things are and serving that need.

Truly much is being seen today.  I feel a deep shift taking place and a releasing of the rigid identification with any mode of being.  If mothering is needed then give it, if teaching is asked for then offer it, if attention and listening is needed then be present and allow the moment to be embraced.  All of this can only be done without self.  The loss of self importance, self knowing, self recognition, self assurance, self absorption of any kind simply corrupts the flow of boddhicitta.  

So I can see that this mercy of 8 months has worked deeply in my field also.  Much has been broken up and sloughed off in this process.  Perhaps the nut has cracked and the sweet meat is now available!  

May this heart continue to flow in the service of the Blessed Mother!

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