Deep thick nausea arose as I sat with J this morning. I found I needed to be a still as possible in my awareness and not move toward correcting her in any way or compensating with flattery. Just being with what was occurring within my experience, seemed to be all encompassing. Thoughts of not being able to sit and be present, both with what was appearing through her and what was engulfing me, arose. There was now no where to escape and an urgency of being with this darkness, this great shadow, full on presented itself. I returned to my room after our time together and sat in the nausea and then released something into the toilet. It is such a cruel experience that seemed to arise. There was no attempt to release it toward J. thank heaven, and the memory of my mother rubbing my face in my soiled diapers arose to me. It's almost as if I had to experience it again somehow, but not do anything with it. I cannot explain this experience except to try to describe how humiliating it is/was. Perhaps I felt humiliation arising today, something from inside that needed to exit.
So now peace is flowing again and some energy of grace is arising in it's aftermath.