My heart feels so full today. I had a dream this morning just before waking. I had a little girl in my arms. She was about 3 years old with golden white hair. I loved her so much. I felt so so much love, I could hardly contain it. I just loved being with her and being with her innocence and beauty. Some how it has happened! Somehow the choice I made years ago has opened up this union of lover and beloved.
So many years ago Rinpoche asked me to make a choice. The choice was to choose enlightenment, immediately; or go back and find the little girl that had been so rejected and abandoned in my childhood. I was stunned by this choice! He said, he knew it was a very difficult choice to make. All my life I had been reaching for the accomplishment of full realization/enlightenment, every moment was for that. But, when given the choice, I chose to go back for my little girl. I always wondered if I had made the 'right' choice; but I knew my heart couldn't have done otherwise. Had I lost my chance? Wasn't enlightenment the goal? Rinpoche knew the devastation of my childhood and often remarked; "what a big chunk I had taken on in this lifetime". He assured me though that I was being helped.
Now this morning I am reminded of that choice. I am seeing the surrender of both agenda and outcome that occurred that day. I gave up my goal for the child that I love so dearly.
These goals and plans no matter how lofty are bound for collapse. The desire to get anything that is beyond this present moment is a trick of the ego. My choice was the only choice possible in that moment. Enlightenment is merely another concept! Love and surrender are actions of compassion arising from an enlightened heart!
So many times it seems we are living inside a plan for some future gain, whether it be a better job, a better body, an easier life, a higher status, a spiritual gain. They are all equal to grasping at what is illusory.
The choice is so sweet now and full and real. This heart, that I have found inside of me, is all that I could ever want!
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